The Ache

I sit here tonight with the Runner's World magazine on one side of me, my computer in the middle and an apple core on the other. I have been looking at this blog for an hour and cannot seem to come up with the words of commitment that I so want to hear from myself...

This is me- a 4' 10'', cute and a little uncertain.

How many times have you heard the next line? I was a runner in high school.... That was me. I ran on a cross team for 6 years and track for 5. I was good- for my height. I think that I loved the team more than the running because it was my place. I found a niche. I was not the best runner but a solid 4th runner on a 5 person team, I was needed.

Fast forward 17 years, now I am a thirty odd something mother of three. I have struggled to keep fit and am not certain where I rank in it though I know that I would like to shave off a little of the 'baby' fat that my first born left me with (he's 13 now, its about time...) I have lived through a major car accident (leaving me with a fused right ankle,) two special needs adoptions (US and China,) homeschooling and building a house. All good things. All took a toll on my confidence. I sit here tonight trying to commit to being a runner- really being one. I am scared. I have a lot on my plate. I am not the typical runner build. I do not have the time. Though all of these sound hollow- they are true.

I ran Chicago Marathon in '06 and '07. That has been awhile ago and I did not really train for either of those. I just went out on the day of and ran until I couldn't anymore- then ran some more. It was fun but it didn't make a runner out of me. It showed me that I had something to prove. Now I ache for something more. I want to run because I enjoy it. I want to run to shave off that extra. I want to be a runner.

I am just not certain that I can be.

~CP