Monday, November 14, 2011

I Would Have Rather Been Running

I was going to run 2 1/2 miles today but with the time change it got dark before I got home to complete it. So I hopped on the stationary bike for 48 minutes. Ouch, I think that it worked me harder than running would of. For one thing, the seat is incredibly hard and my buns were bruised by the end. I hope I can figure out how to develop callouses. The second difficulty was that I had to work really hard and my daughter kept coming over and telling me to stop working because I was hurting myself...How do you explain to an 8 year old that the point is to hurt?

I would have rather been running-

That is actually a good sign. It was rainy and muddy outside today. That is my favorite weather to run in. Tomorrow will start the time when it is more difficult for me to run because we live so far out in the country and are surrounded by fields and woods. I love living here but I have to admit that I don't feel comfortable running down the road on the day that gunshots wake me up in the morning. So I will either take myself to town or break down and buy a treadmill. I really need one but haven't wanted to spend the cash. I feel pretty good with my decision to do the half in January. I worry about my knees though. I have never had trouble with them but now I am. Its just a little bit of trouble so I am limiting my runs to 3x a week and cross training in between.

The more I try to enjoy the experience, the closer I get to feeling like I do actually enjoy it. I find that interesting.

~Camo Pants

Saturday, November 12, 2011


I did it. I committed myself. No, not to a mental institute...

I committed to running a 13.1 run on January 15, 2011. I am so excited and scared. I am not certain if I am up to this but I really want the bracelet that they are giving for an award. Plus, I knew that if I paid the fee I would run. I was just thinking today as I ran 2 miles at a snail's pace, "Maybe I should find a run to shoot for." This is definitely a run!

I do not have a lot of time to train- 8 weeks 3 days exactly. I can do this. I cannot wait to get my bracelet. Am I a little crazy to say yes? Definitely. Today as I was running, I was listening to the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground and saying, "Have fun. Enjoy the run. Enjoy the peace."

For many, running is something they do to connect with other people. Not for me. I use running to clear my head. I use it to only hear myself- no other voices. I use it to work out the tired frustration that I feel. I cannot invite others into my running world. I cannot go by anyone else's expectations.

The only voice I want to hear is mine.

I'll try to keep you updated on my journey back to the world of running. A world that I stand outside of and watch. One that I want but do not know if I want it enough.

I am running 13.1 miles on January 15, 2012.

~Camo Pants

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Struggles

I was supposed to run 2 miles today but life got in the way. Total run? None. I am disappointed. It got dark before I even stepped in the house tonight. I plan on getting up before we go to the barn and running the 2 miles. I don't know- I haven't run in the dark much.

I still am working through the logistics for making my 'dreams' a reality. I think that I struggle the most with making the running time my own and not letting myself get too caught up in the expectations. What can make this round different, I wonder? I really have enjoyed my runs and hope that I am able to focus enough on this to make a decision. Perhaps I am over thinking it?

I do think about the other runners. They too must struggle with conflicts, pain and other ailments. Why does it look so easy for them? I know that it is not easy for anyone. It is a choice and I simply must make it. I guess I am not in a particular rush...

Running in

~Camo Pants

Sunday, November 6, 2011


It's fitting that a gal ran by my house tonight. This probably does not seem odd to any of you- especially those of you who live in town. Out here, we are the only one of three houses on our road and one is uninhabited.

I did run yesterday. It was a good night but I only had a small window to complete it.

"How did I do?" You may question...

Okay. No more- no less. I ran 1.46 miles. Not fast- not slow. I liked it though. I had a hard time walking this morning at church my ankle was very stiff. This is not unheard of this time of year but the running didn't help I suppose. I want to commit to this thing called running. I really do. I am trying. Pretty soon I will either commit or quit. Hopefully commit. I am looking to run 3 days a week and ride a bike 2. That's 5 days on 2 days off. Doable? Yes, this time of year but what about the summer? I don't even have time to eat in the summer. How am I going to commit then? I want to commit wholeheartedly or deal in the truth that I do not have the time, motivation or whatever that it takes to be a runner...

A real runner. That's what I want.


Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Ache

I sit here tonight with the Runner's World magazine on one side of me, my computer in the middle and an apple core on the other. I have been looking at this blog for an hour and cannot seem to come up with the words of commitment that I so want to hear from myself...

This is me- a 4' 10'', cute and a little uncertain.

How many times have you heard the next line? I was a runner in high school.... That was me. I ran on a cross team for 6 years and track for 5. I was good- for my height. I think that I loved the team more than the running because it was my place. I found a niche. I was not the best runner but a solid 4th runner on a 5 person team, I was needed.

Fast forward 17 years, now I am a thirty odd something mother of three. I have struggled to keep fit and am not certain where I rank in it though I know that I would like to shave off a little of the 'baby' fat that my first born left me with (he's 13 now, its about time...) I have lived through a major car accident (leaving me with a fused right ankle,) two special needs adoptions (US and China,) homeschooling and building a house. All good things. All took a toll on my confidence. I sit here tonight trying to commit to being a runner- really being one. I am scared. I have a lot on my plate. I am not the typical runner build. I do not have the time. Though all of these sound hollow- they are true.

I ran Chicago Marathon in '06 and '07. That has been awhile ago and I did not really train for either of those. I just went out on the day of and ran until I couldn't anymore- then ran some more. It was fun but it didn't make a runner out of me. It showed me that I had something to prove. Now I ache for something more. I want to run because I enjoy it. I want to run to shave off that extra. I want to be a runner.

I am just not certain that I can be.